415,619. That’s how many pages you’ll find when you use Excite to search the Internet for the phrase "queer youth. Five years ago, when queer teens were first discovering America Online and the Internet, you’d have been lucky to find ten.

In 1993 I founded !OutProud!, The National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth, as a means to provide support and advocacy for these youth. That same year we pioneered electronic outreach to queer youth through America Online, and then a year later, over the Internet. Today, !OutProud! on AOL (keyword: OUTPROUD) is one of the most heavily-trafficked teen destinations on the service, and our home on the Web (www.outproud.org) is visited by as many as 10,000 people each month.

A Community of Queer Youth

That the Web has become a second home for queer youth is a phenomenon that’s widely overlooked. For most, it’s the first place they can find honest and accurate information about themselves. It’s a safe haven where many have found the courage to say, for the first time, "I am gay." Today, the Web offers not only support and information, but a home for the rich and vital communities they have developed online.

Spurred by the dramatic upswing in youth using the Internet, Oasis Magazine opened its doors in 1995 as the first webzine for queer and questioning youth. Two and a half years later, 40,000 subscribers visit the site each month. Where !OutProud! focused primarily on delivering resources, Oasis gave them a place to speak out. Visit www.oasismag.com and you’ll find as many as 60 articles in every issue – written by and for queer youth – fiction, poetry, news and more.

Do Ask, Do Tell

With four years under our belt, we realized it was time to do something that just hadn’t been tackled yet – make the lives of these youth visible in a way that our Web presence uniquely made possible. So in early 1997 we embarked on a project to leverage the more than 50,000 queer youth visiting our sites each month.

For nearly three months last fall, 2,000 queer youth took a half-hour to tell us about their lives. They told us about coming out to their families and about going out with their friends. About getting by at school and getting it on with their boyfriends and girlfriends.

They shared their feelings about religion and spirituality, participation in the queer community, and perspectives on their futures. 150 questions later, their responses gave what is perhaps the most-detailed look at their lives that anyone has yet seen.

Coming Out to Open Arms

I was sitting in homeroom the day I realized I was gay. I looked across the room at another boy, thinking how much I wanted to hug and kiss him – I was only twelve, after all and it would be another year or two before I thought of anything more. This was 1971, though, and of course, it pretty much stopped there. We graduated without him ever knowing how I felt, never learning he was my first crush.

I had no way of knowing that I wasn’t the only boy feeling this way, 27 years ago. So it was fascinating for me to find out, that despite a generation in between, the boys and girls in the survey say that twelve is exactly the age at which they first became aware they were queer.

It took me twenty more years before I finally told anyone, but for most kids today, that’s not the case. By the time they turn sixteen, more than half have told someone they’re gay or lesbian. More than three-quarters of all the youth responding, in fact, had already come out.

When they do, they tell their best friend first (46% of the time), or friends at work or school (another 37%). Last to know are Mom and Dad, even though they typically respond pretty well.

In fact, it’s somewhat remarkable just how positive most of their coming out experiences are. Not just good, but almost overwhelmingly good – 89% say that their best friends responded "good" or "very good," 74% say their brothers and sisters reacted equally as well, as did half of their mothers. Fathers seem to have the hardest time hearing the news, but even so, 44% of the dads reacted just as positively.

And when Mom or Dad provide the usual responses: "Are you sure?" "Maybe it’s just a phase" and "You’re doing this just to rebel against us" today’s teens are armed with their own insight: 83% say they were "born this way" and 79% feel good or are indifferent about being queer.

Keeping the Door Shut

As good as this news is, for some teens, however, there’s an important issue that keeps them from coming out. Fear.

Even though half realized they were queer by twelve years of age, for most it took another 3-1/2 years before they accepted it, and another six months before they told anyone.

Ask those who still haven’t come out "why?" and the story becomes clearer:
&Mac183; 61% are afraid of their parents’ reaction, 53% of their friends’
&Mac183; 44% are afraid of losing their friends, 35% even describe their friends as "homophobic"
&Mac183; 30% want to wait until they move out of their parents’ house, and fully one in five of the teens still in the closet are afraid they will be kicked out of the house

Even so, most say they still want to come out to someone (64%) and more than half plan to do just that.

Homo in the Homeroom

School plays a major role in the life of a teen, but if you’re queer, it’s still not a safe place. Anti-gay harassment is reported in elementary school and college, but most often in high school. More often than not, this harassment is ignored or only results in a light reprimand.

Times are changing, though. 20% of the high school students and 46% of the college students say that their schools have non-discrimination policies in place, and many have staff training workshops. More than 57% of the colleges and 9% of the high schools have a gay/straight alliance, something unimaginable just five to ten years ago.

Same-gender dates for the prom are just not all that unusual any more: 25% of college students and 19% of high school students say it’s already happened at their school.

They’re out at school, too. 65% of college students and an even-larger 75% of high school students say they have come out to friends at school.

It’s Also About Sex

Just like their heterosexual peers, queer teens are having sex at an ever-younger age. By the time they’re 14-1/2, more than half have had their first sexual experience. Interestingly, youth identifying themselves as bisexual start having sex six to twelve months before their lesbian or gay peers. By the time they’re fifteen, more than half the boys have had their first experience with someone of the same gender (girls wait one more year, on average).

Once we actually got past defining what having "sex" really is, some of the questions turned pretty clinical. This yielded some very specific results, however, and some answers which surprised us. We found differences not only by gender – which we anticipated – but also by declared sexual orientation.

&Mac183; 66% of gay teens, 66% of bisexual male teens, and 39% of unsure male teens have received oral sex from another male; 68% of gay, 67% of bisexuals males, and 37% of unsure males have given oral sex
&Mac183; 42% of gay teens, 40% of bi males and 17% of unsure males have been the bottom in anal sex with another male; 41% of gay teens, 40% of bi males and 17% of unsure males have been the top

For all practical purposes, the only difference between the sexual activities of "gay" and "bisexual" boys is that those identifying as bisexual are three times as likely to have had oral or vaginal sex with a girl. This supports a widely-seen phenomenon: Many boys identify as "bisexual" as a transitional state to developing their gay identity; for some it’s often seen as "not as bad" as being "completely" gay, for others sexual experiences with girls leave them confused.

Church and State of Mind

For most, religion plays a role in their lives; more than half say that they are "spiritual". But just as many, however, say that their sexuality has affected their views on religion. For 40%, being queer has caused them to question their religion. In fact, 29% changed their religious affiliation (or abandoned religion altogether), with Roman Catholics leading the exodus (33%).

At home, their parents’ beliefs can make it difficult to be open; as many as 40% say it’s been a factor. But many of these youth find a way beyond their religion’s teachings: 49% say that they "have no doubt" that God loves them just as they are and that, frankly, they just "don’t believe that God cares one way or another" if they ware queer.

Community and Future

Although queer youth often report feeling isolated, a large majority (76%) say that they know other queer people in their area, and have queer friends about the same age. The fact that so many of these youth are out, and are online, certainly contributes to this unexpectedly high result.

More than two-thirds say they think it would be helpful to know an older queer man or woman who might serve as a role model and, indeed, 25% already do. This data suggests a call to action for queer adults: It’s time to get past the false stereotypes of predatory adults and start providing networks to support these youth in our communities, as friends and family.

Just like their heterosexual peers, queer youth dream of getting married and having children – more than half say they want both, with almost identical responses for both genders. That surprised us, in fact. We had expected to see some gender differences, but did not.

For some teens, however, their sexuality is seen as imposing limits. Almost half say they believe it will be an obstacle in their life, 9% that it will affect their choice of a career, 27% that it will influence their choice of where to live. 17% say that they have already changed their future goals as a result.

Knowledge is Power

Now that our first survey has been completed, you can find the results tabulated in a 59-page report online at www.oasismag.com/survey. For us, however, this is just the beginning.

The survey is now in the hands of policymakers, social service agencies and queer advocacy groups across the U.S. Our hope is that it will be used as a tool to focus attention on the needs of queer youth and how we, as a community and a nation, might better serve them.

Scholars at several universities are analyzing the database for a variety of projects, and dozens of boys and girls in high school have contacted us, indicating they’re writing essays or class projects using the report as a basis for their presentation.

This is the real power of the data. It gives a voice to what was until recently a silent population. It provides facts to confront the fictions that are often used against us. And it’s a tool for helping to make the world a more welcoming place for the generation that follows.